Finally Getting Rid of the Fly that wont shoo

Dear Bishop,

With this letter to you I officially notify you of my resignation from membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, effective immediately. With my resignation I voluntarily sever all my relationships to the church.

Oh heeeeeeeeey

It's one of those times during the school year. The time when you just want to sit up in your room all day and do absolutely nothing. Unfortunately, this is also the most important time to attend class. FUCK you finals. That is all I have to say. It is depressing that i've failed math for the second time, but I believe that third time is the charm. Or I hope... for if I do not pass it, you can just kiss my scholarship goodbye and i'll have to work full time at McDonalds. Feed that nasty-ass corporation of pig fat. As for now... i'm going to go back to playing Kingdom Hearts II... where my heart will always stay. Locked in a virtual world where nothing (not even a heartless) can get it.

Memento Mori

Remember those times when...

A kiss would heal every wound.

People didn't need drugs to have an imagination.

Religion and Race didn't matter.

Insurance was a word you didn't understand, and didn't NEED to understand.

Money didn't exist, things magically appeared.

Summers lasted forever.

Naps weren't needed.

Saturday morning cartoons were the highlight of the week.

You didn't have to work to get anything.

Disney was God, and you didn't know the political side of the company.

Christmas presents were stacked to the ceiling.

This Man Makes Me Happy

My one true love. :)

The days of my early youth were like candy,
the kind that melts in your mouth where the taste lasts forever.
The air was a sweet incense,
the leaves laughed in the wind.
The Water tasted like wine,
the grass turned into a jungle.

Nowadays I puff on twigs,
and watch the grass turn brown.
The sun is a fading light bulb,
I pour dust over dead trees.
Suckers dissolve into ash in my mouth,
Music is honking horns.
I breathe in cotton,
and consume tar.
Time moves fast,
too fast, and too slow.
My teeth are now barbed wire,
and my mouth is stapled shut.

"Leave me alone."

NO ENTRY! *slam*

This is a hilarious excerpt from "Painters and Public Life" written in the 18th century.
The narrator was just refused early entry into the Louvre gallery, and found himself stranded in a courtyard of other-equally rejected- hopefuls as this happened...


"... a grand carriage, flying more than rolling thanks to the dashing speed of the chargers that drew it, pulled up to the desolate portal. The luxury of the vehicle and its lackeys told me what I was about to see emerge from the compartment.

The first to appear was a young man made more out of costume than he was out of flesh. It would have been more accurate to call him a richly dressed phantom. The color of his diaphanous visage was almost the same shade as the powder that weighed down his hair. His arms and legs had the appearance of belonging more to a skeleton than to a living body... I believe he only lived by an artifice of vanity.

There then appeared a lady about forty years in age. Her bearing was haughty, her speech sour-sweet, and although already obese, she seemed to gorge herself further on the glory she extracted from the carriage and retinue. The sight of this crowd of people waiting on the good humor of the Swiss guard inflated still more the volume of her self-regard, which triumphed completely when, realizing that entry had been forbidden these onlookers, she imagined that she would thus be exercising an EXCLUSIVE PRIVILEGE on entering, one that would command the deference of all eyes kept to a strict ration.

A younger woman, of pleasing proportions but whose looks were more flashy than refined, was barely twenty. Her glance might have seemed modest but was really only guilty. She only half opened her eyes, but did not for that see any less: she turned them on you only in secret, but it was easy to recognize in this suspicious reserve that she was the willing pupil of her fat companion, whose jaded glances said no more than hers... She attracted all eyes to her by the vivacity, not to say the dizziness, of her speech and manners, managing it so well that whatever happened she could count on shooting sparks into the art of any man around her.

I do not speak to you of their complexions. You know wonderfully well that the women of Paris pride themselves on never having any. Lotions, ointments, white lead rouge: these are everything. Each one manipulates these drugs to her own fantasy, how then can one discern the skin underneath?

The face of the older one carried a violent hue, and one could not have accused her of trying to deceive anyone by the art with which she deployed her rouge. Her cheeks were two placards, more painted than any mask, and I was astonished to see anyone so made-up so early in the morning.

The younger one had not received the same treatment, and when taken on her own seemed to be in excellent health. But when one contemplated her at the same time as her companion, one perceived in her a languished quality, a kind of listlessness, and on final examination, she could be seen to have just been patched up with white plaster.

They were both, moreover, in a state of undress as indecent as if they had never left home, but rich enough to rival the finery of much more illustrious ladies.

Their escort knocked on the door, with the assurance of a man to whom no door is closed. But he did not find there even the pleasure of a response. Vainly, after a long monologue worthy of the character I have painted for you, he humiliated himself to the point of pleading, of begging. All was deaf and dumb to his entreaties He found there an incorruptible integrity.

The ladies were not silent during all this: they complained bitterly of the lack of consideration being shown them. the gaiety they had brought at the gallop suddenly deserted them and let collapse the graces it had sustained. My God, but mortified pride cuts a sorry figure.

There are other vices that adversity chastens. This one is just the most ridiculous and the most unjust. He who had wanted to bestow this gift ended up swallowing it, and taking the blame as well. the fat women quarreled nastily with him as he re-entered the carriage, whose horses, less intelligent than those of HIppolytus. Instead of having 'a mournful eye and downcast head' better 'to conform to' their 'sad sentiment,' left as smartly as they had arrived, taking this humiliated trio off to parts unknown." -Narrator


It's wonderful to see the collapse of social barriers of art. :)

Another day in a smokers life... Facebook thread

Mormon boy Spencers status: My Crusade against smokers will involve me carrying around a fire extinguisher and drowning anyone with a "lollipop that is on fire"........


My reply: I'll be sure to keep my distance. Or if you are ever sucking on a lollipop i'll come up and be like, "here let me get that for ya." And light your lollipop stick on fire.


Lady named Audrey: I've thought about getting all their personal information address, phone number, social security number, so later in life when I have health problems caused by second hand smoke, I can sue them all!


My reply: @Audrey, you wont be able to do that later in life, because we will already be dead.


Spencer: They say it is a personal choice, but when you smoke in public it totally isn't.


Guy named Tom: You fight them Spencer, tell them who's Boss!!!


My reply: Yes we are a bunch of unhealthy sadists with an unfortunate habit. Fight us off, please.


Spencer: You know maddie, i might just let you live because you humor me. I will let you die a slow a painful death fighting cancer, breathing through a hole in your throat, so on and so forth.


My reply: Sounds like the future I embraced. Hope you enjoy the cancer i give you from my exhaust.


Spencer: No, see, i am going to but you in a bubble. YOu are not only going to get first hand smoke, but second hand, and maybe even thirdhand..... from yourself..... if that makes sense.


My reply: That's a bit kinky....... and you kind of sound like Hitler.






"they this" and "they that."

As my sister says: "99.9% of mormons don't know what the fuck they are talking about before they open their mouths and judge everyone but themselves."

Ze Smokers Life

"Smoking kills."
"BLAAAAAAHARFGF, that's what your voice sounds like!"
"Enjoy your black lungs."
"Have fun with the hole in your throat."


Seriously you guys... you think I don't know?

Giant Dorm-Geyser and a very... VERY stupid freshman.

Here is something I believe you should remember for the future: if ever a fire alarm happens to go off again, make sure you use the bathroom before you leave. ESPECIALLY if the fire alarm is what woke you up.

-The management in your head


Dear Dorms,

Now let me make this one thing perfectly clear..... A HUGE PILLAR OF FUCKING CLEAR WATER IS NOT SMOKE!!! *ahem* That little freshman chap or chapess that pulled the fire alarm is responsible for waking up every dorm on the U campus on FRIDAY MORNING. Which means, the day after thirsty thursdays. Great idea. However, I am somewhat indebted. For if this had not happened, we (the classy ladies of 74101) would not have noticed that the fire alarms in each of our rooms didn't work. Thank goodness the one in our apartment foyer works. Then again, I wish it didn't in a case like this, just so i didn't get woken up 2 hours early.

-The Classy Ladies of 74101
Residents of the Green Sustainability Floor
U of U.

First Day

First day of school.

Since i'm back in the dorms it feels like i've never left this place. Stale lettuce, moldy bread, and chocolate milk with far too less chocolate... it's all the same. I wasn't nervous or anything, kind of excited. But now i'm just exhausted. German class was the only one I was kind of sweating about, seeing as how i haven't practiced at ALL this entire summer. So, I walk in the classroom and it's humid as Hell. I look around... nobody I really recognize from the previous year (seeing as how this is the only German 2010 class offered, I figured more would show up). And they did... 2 minutes before class started... what can I say, the old group has style. I sat there and stared at the X-files shirt the kid in front of me was wearing. Mulder was scolding me, shaming me for not practicing over the summer as Scully ran a few lab tests and concluded that I just fail. In big, red, smash bros. letters... FAILURE.



Math... the professor tried (emphasis on "tried") to give us this stirring speech on the anthropology of mathematics. Siiiigh, I have a bad feeling that he's going to put me to sleep. He also wants us to call him by his first name. I don't know what it is, but I have issues calling professors by their first names... I don't know, I guess I like the formality of it all.

Drawing... hmmmm. End story.

Art history tomorrow, i'm excited to go to a class where I feel completely confident in my abilities.


now i'm tired. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzzzzz

What I learned Summer of 2009

- Being a hermit can be fulfilling and yet... not.

- A Lord of the Rings Extended Edition marathon CAN happen.

- The Hobbit can be read in one night.

- The Appendix to LOTR is fantastic.

- Half of my summer has been walking to bookstores and reading Tolkienlore for hours.

- Marlboro 100's are the buzz from heaven... but leave nasty looking spots on the lungs.

- Stretch marks can take the form of trees which can create happy-fun-time with a sharpie.

- Choice of soap is Dial.

- Most fun can be had with Claricedear and Jimmyboy

- Talking like Sean Connery is addicting and can be mixed with Christopher Walkin and other random accents.

- Star Fox N64. Still badass.

- Doing a barrel roll can save your life.

- Peppy in the newer Star Fox series is weak and lacks his usual... erm.... charm.

- One can get E-coli and Salmonellabella at the same time... poor Claire...

- G. I. Joe fails, but makes good boom boom.

- I'm a ninja.

- Great Danes make great conversation whenever they deem it fit to speak.

- Drugs are bad.

- Bicycles are handy.

- Meryl Streep should go on Colbert more often.

- Omegle.com is lovely when you find someone who makes great conversation.

- Taiwan looks like it has awesome food.

- Left 4 Dead completes me.

- Mario Bros. fan fiction is...................... lovely. :)

- Morgoroth is more badass than Sauron.

- I will buy a Shenai and become a snake charmer.

- I will physically disable myself and become a bell ringer.

- Coffee. :)

- Nurse Jackie is a lovely way to pass the time until Weeds is on.

- Weeds just isn't as good as it used to be. (Seasons 1-3 rock.)

- Watching the sunrise and watching it the sunset every day is worth it.

- Getting up for school is going to bite.

- Cats are fun to take pictures of.

- The show, Roseanne can be entertaining... but not worth repeating.

- John Goodman... FAILURE.

- Shopping is stressful.

- Living without money is great... until you go to a bookstore.

- Playing with swords is fun.

- Going to movies with Claire is enjoyable... especially during the previews.
(Claire: Wait, isn't D.C. inland?
Maddie: It got flooded Claire... DUH)

- Julia Childs is adorable.

- Iron Chef has proved that you can make multiple courses by just using artichokes (including ice cream).

- My grammar still sucks.

- 10 dollars does NOT go a long way.

- Drunk facebooking is not a good idea... but it does leave funny memories.

- Big bells = Yay!

- You can miss friends a lot and when you meet up with them you can fall right back into where you left.

- Scrubs come in a variety of different cloths.

- Box Elder Bugs are of LUCIFER.

- Finding a job is a bitch.

- Withdrawls are not worth it.

- Camping by oneself is fantastic.

- Sprinklers in the middle of the night by oneself is also fantastic.

- Where your tongue goes when you make a "t" sound still blows my mind in an odd way.

- You CAN fall asleep in the shower... for a long time.

- Indoor plumbing... is a big deal.

- Baby giraffes are cute.

- Stage moms are frightening.

- Kill Bill..... Mmmmm...

- There are thousands of youtube to mp3 converters.

- You can become disillusioned with 4chan.

- It is no long LGBT but LGBTQAIA

- Paid Programming is sorrowful for the insomniac.

- Baby Mr. Coffee brings joy.

- Hans Zimmer warms ye ole soul.

- Mario Tennis can be INTENSE when played as the Williams sisters.

- Faramir and Boromir in the LOTR movies both have big noses.

- I'z Hobbitz.

- Dry skin is uncomfortable... especially without lotion.

- Having an the extra month of May added on to summer vacation just gives one more time to do nothing.

- True friends are willing to drive way out of their way to hang out with you.

Trapped In The Wild

Some of the most beautiful moments i've ever had in my life have happened when i'm completely within the realm of solitude. Many amazing things in life that happen to me I don't tell others, simply because I would end the story with, "I guess you'd just have to be there." But some of the really amazing things that occur that can actually be explained and appreciated I DO tell. Simply because I want to share the joy, and can't help myself from telling somebody... anybody really. It's like the movie "Into the Wild" when the main character finally realizes that real happiness is only worth something when shared.

We would all like to forsake our identity, name, and all the numbers that come attached... and just run full speed into the Wild. Into the great outdoors where you are your own master, where you live off of the earth, experience the life that surrounds constantly. But the sad reality is that we cannot forsake everything as we'd wish. The sly hint of rational dictates to us that we want to be around other humans. We want to share things. We can have our bits of down time to be by ourselves... but reality tells us that humanity is King. We really want it. We need it.

Screw Hollywood. Chat.

Claire
WWWWWHHHHHHHAAAATTTT?????????
NOW THE LAWNMOWER GUYS????
DO NOT ADD TO THIS!!!

12:18Maddie
WHAT?!
MORDOR HATH UNLEASHED ITS FURY!

12:19Claire
IONIA WILL FALL IF WE DO NOT FIGHT HARDER!!!!!

12:19Maddie
PUSH THE 1ST AND 5TH PLATOONS UP THE LEFT FLANK!
IN SHORT, CRANK UP DEM TOONS!

12:22Claire
ALL SQUADRONS ARE IN PLAY!!

12:23Maddie
NO! Our reserve forces are still at bay
keep them there and bide!

12:23Claire
SED 'EM IN

12:23Maddie
NO

12:23Claire
*SEND

12:23Maddie
BIDE
BIDE
IF WE SEND THEM IN, WE WILL BE UTTERLY DEFENSELESS!

12:25Claire
WE'RE DYIN' ON THE FRONT LINES HERE!
WE NEED REINFORCEMENTS!

12:26Maddie
KSSSHHHHH look, we cannot deploy our reserves. Pull back so our 2nd and 7th platoons can push the offense! KKKSSSHHHH

12:28Claire
THEY'RE DEAD!
THEY'RE ALL DEAD!

12:28Maddie
WHO?! KSSSSH

12:29Claire
HHHHSSSSSHHHHKKKKSSSSSHHHHH THE SECOND KKKKSSSSHHHH AND KKKSSSRRRRRSSSSSHHHH 7TH KKKKKKKSSSSHHH!!! WE'RE GETTING KILLED OUT HEREKKKKKKKKKKSSSSS

12:30Maddie
2nd and 7th are with me here, what are you bitching about Lieutenant?! KSSHSHH

12:30Claire
BETA TEAM KKKKKKKK

12:30Maddie
SENDING IN THE OUTER DEFENSESKKKKKKSHHHH

12:30Claire
THE FRONT KKKKSSSSSSSHHH LINES ARE BREAKKIINNGGG!!

12:31Maddie
HOLD THOSE LINES LIEUTENANT GODDAMNIT KSSSSSSHHHH

12:31Claire
THEY'RE GETTING THROUGH KKKKSSSSHHHH

12:31Maddie
OUTER DEFENSES SWITCHING TO OFFENSE, PLUNGE IN! KSSH

12:31Claire
WE'RE FISH FOOD OUT HERE KKKKKSSSSHHH

12:31Maddie
CHANGE LOCATION!
TEAM YOUNGESTCHILD CHANGE LOCATION
KSSSHHHH
I REPEAT, CHANGE LOCATION! KSHHH
COULD LIGHTEN THE INCOMING FLOW OF ENEMIES KSSSSHHHH

12:33Claire
CAN'T
WE'RE BOXED IN!! KKKKSSSSHHH

12:33Maddie
WHY NOT LIEUTENANT?!
LOCATION NOT WORKIGN?!
NOT EVEN THE LOWER BUNKERS?!
KKKKKSSSSHHHH

12:34Claire
LOWER BUNKERS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET TO.
KKKKSSSSHH

12:34Maddie
HOW?!?!?! KSSSSSHHHH
CLIMB DOWN THE MOUNTAIN PASS, IT'S NEXT TO YOUR QUARTERS WHERE YOU ARE CURRENTLY HARBORED!!! KSSSSHHHHH

12:36Claire
THE BASE IS TOO IMPORTANT
THERE IS TOO MUCH TO LOSE!

12:38Maddie
GODDAMNIT LIEUTENANT IF YOU DON'T GET DOWN TO THE LOWER BUNKER, THERE WONT BE ANY NEED TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT IS AT STAKE!!! LEAD THE REST OF YOUR COMPANY DOWN TO THE BUNKER!!! KKKKKKSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH

Claire
WWWEEEE CAN'T

12:39Maddie
CLAIRE, CLAIRE!!!
CAN YOU HEAR ME!!! KSSSH
THERE IS KSHHHHHHH AN AIR RADE KSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH
THEY KSSSSSH ARE KSHHHHH
HITTING US KSSSSHHH WITH OPERATION TODDLER KSSHHHHHHHHHH
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Le Future

I looked into my future and I saw a snake, the Shenai, and India.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aThb251-Sk

Atlantis

Your entire body shakes when you laugh.
As if your sense of humor was built on a fault line,
And the coast of your heart falls into the ocean of yourself,
And I am left looking for this Atlantis.

Left looking for this place that exists in stories told by old men
Who were there when mathematics assured them,
Their willingness to believe was greater than their determination to dismiss.
I am left looking for Atlantis.
Regardless of the scientists that insist my efforts would be better-spent unearthing clues to where the wild things went.


Dry as it might, faith can’t put a dent in fact.
So we must settle for watching science reenact the world.
As if the universe was curled around this globe.
And if we consider that the universe is never ending,
Then we are not even a microbe.
We’re like a death threat from a pacifist.
We’re nothing.


But the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states that nothing is fo shizzle.
And the interesting thing about that is
It ensures the principle itself can’t even be a fact.
But we still act as if this time we can see the forest for the trees.
Regardless of the soft wood lumber levy
We fall in line like reforest pine
It’s all straight rows,
Where everything grows a little less wild
And a little more humdrum, ho hum.
We come from a mentality that rarely sees the horror in symmetry,
Or the beauty in non-conformity.


We insist that for us everything must be clear-cut.
But what about philosophy?
What about the tree that fell in the forest that no one was around to hear?
It is a little less clear and a little more deep,
Deep like if Oprah Winfrey farts in a bathtub
And no bubbles come to the surface,
Is there an alternate universe where the price of gas is cheap?
It’s possible,
But we can’t prove it.
Anymore than we can prove that light can move fast enough to stop a monster
Hiding in the closet.
We deposit our faith in fear,
But we clear our minds to the possibility that
Maybe we as adults secretly sometimes still get scared of the dark,
Things that go bump in the night.


And I can’t prove that I have ever loved anyone.
But despite the smoking and the over weight body,
I want to grow old with you.
Go through muscle and joint pains,
To the point that every time it rains,
We can feel it in our knees.
Get arthritis so bad that every time we move,
We sound like two bowls of rice crispies.
We'll snap, kracle and pop.
But we still take the time to stop and take the time.
I am looking for Atlantis.


Letting faith turn this fiction into fact.
As if I have tracked this missing continent for decades.
And all I know so far is that it is somewhere under water.
I am looking for clues in those blurry photos of U.F.O.’s
And thinking “if aliens are so smart then
Why don’t they start making their spaceships look like airplanes?”
That way we would just point to the sky and say
“An airplane in a common place
and not at all suspect”


We are all shipwrecked on this idea that everything has to be explained.
But maybe we just need to believe that
Lemmings jump off of cliffs to prove that they love us.
And sure that sacrifice is as empty as the box of condoms
Politicians used when they thought they could fuck us.
But it’s nice to believe that somebody up there cares enough to plummet onto jagged backbreaking rocks in an attempt to tell us we’re beautiful.
Tell us that as far as life goes,
Our fingerprints are like snowflakes.
We leave them on everything.
But they melt in the time it takes to touch someones tongue.
But if we’re lucky
Maybe we’re a member along with the sunken cities of a lost continent.


This is for each child who is a monument to the ones who came before
Maybe the best we can hope for,
Is that those we leave behind find comfort in,
Knowing they we were born out of love and not science.
But biology explains the how, but love explains the why.


So in the event of our deaths we hereby bequeath all of these words to you
And they are only meant to say that uncertainty is something that everyone goes through,
And there is not much in the way of proof, but believe me we loved you.
We held our breath for your first step, your first word, we laughed when it finally occurred to you lemons are sour.


This is for every time love become the finest minute in the darkest hour
This is for those who scour the streets wondering where the wild things went,
For the believers who lent us their madness.
This is for everyone we miss.
And this is for the children who are lost.


Sadness is nothing more than the cost of being able to smile once in a while
And grief is the trial we stand to offer evidence
That your fingerprints were left on our hearts and our skin
And in terms of proof, love can be demonstrated in giving.
Our lives consist of the effort we give in swimming towards the lost continent,
Where you are rumored to be living.


-Shane Koyczan

Tolkien's' Bitch

I just spent 3 hours in Barnes and Noble reading about the history of Middle Earth and the forgotten tales by Tolkien (Which include stories preceding and running through the first three ages of Middle Earth, the story of the Ring Wraith search as told by Sauron, and the history of Celeborn and Galadriel). Good god. *head smack*

It was fantastic. I loved every little nano-second of it.

"You see, this is my life! It always will be! Nothing else! Just us, the cameras, and those wonderful people out there in the dark!"

Tangled in Weeds

I love the show Weeds. End story. Watch it.

www.watchtvsitcoms.com

Zombie Attackage!!!

I finally used the excuse of my little brothers visit to persuade my mom to get the freaking awesome game, "Left 4 Dead." It's a fantastic zombie massacre game. My little brother and I beat the whole game last night on co-op. My brain was tingling with zombie awesome and I couldn't get them out of my head. So, naturally, I ended up having a dream that there was a massive break-out of crazy zombies. When I woke up, I believed that my dream was real. The result: I jumped out of bed and ran away from the window and said out loud, "This is a horrible place to be during a zombie attack!

In a Somnia

Here I find myself again. Night after night as long as I can remember. Doing the usual rutine while everyone else sleeps. Some times there are subtle additions that vary my nightly rutine (just to keep me on my toes, i'm sure). These subtle additions usually come with where I just so happen to be staying that evening. I have grown accustomed to house-hopping (or couch surfing) for about two years now. Seeing as how I have been living in the University dorms during school, I only have to worry about this during holidays and summer vacation. The result of this couch surfing extravaganza is the variation of nightly patterns which rely on when my gracious host chooses to sleep, and what I have access to. Here are some examples:

Mummy and her Boyfriend: They go to bed around 9:30-10:00 p.m. and I have access to satellite t.v. Unfortunately, no internet. It's a long long long night of Roseanne reruns and subpar history channel specials. But there is quite the nice leather couch that I have full access to... except I have to share it with the two cats.

Downtown chums: No internet. No television. Small scractchy couch in the same room as the gracious host. Gracious host likes to have boyfriend over. A lot. It's awkward. They go to bed eventually...

Sugarhouse buddies: These guys are great to stay with, but you don't want to overstay your welcome. They stay up until about 3 a.m. (mostly drinking and smoking hookah and weed). No internet, BUT there IS an N64. And there are a couple couches to choose from. Lots of merry company into the wee hours.

Emergency residence: This is the place I go to if there is an option between this place and a parking lot. Not because it's trashy... because it isn't... but it's a home with a young family. I chill in the basement as everyone goes to bed at 8:00 p.m. and it's only for a single night if ever.

Home Sweet Home: This is the place I have found myself staying the most. Not out of my own personal want and need, but my more-than gracious host invites me to stay for long periods of time. Average bedtime here is 11:00 p.m. which is pretty good. I usually have a mattress, but I have been upgraded to a bedroom, huzzah! I have internet and unlimited access to food and t.v. at all hours. Only conditions (which I have made myself for myself) is that I watch my language a bit. Seeing as how they are mormons, I find that it is probably a courtesy I owe them. My sailor mouth must be leashed!... temporarily.

Couch-surfing has taught me how extraordinarily generous people can be. I hope that in the near future I can have the means to repay everyone who has helped me. For now, they have my undying gratitude. I just hope I can creep around as quiet as the little hobbit I am without waking them up during the wee hours.

Bottles, bibs, and briars rare,
dressers full of underwear,
giggles, gorging, gleaming eyes,
little saucers tasting pies.
Caster oil makes stomachs fly in the air.

Notes, nooses, and narrow crates,
pimples pop like aging dates,
questions, quivers, quizzes jive,
Cashiers typing to be alive.
Girls and boys sit and accept their fates.

Dentures, Dread, and Death surrounds,
artheritis makes the rounds,
Wrinkles, warriors, waffer dip,
wheelchairs licking for a sip.
Dignity is left for only the young.

Dog vs. Woman

Ziah. A giant great dane that tumbles in at the staggering weight of 793 pounds. Maddie, who weights somewhat less, takes on The Beast.

Today we find Maddie sprawled out on a couch watching "Modern Marvels." Her canine associate, Ziah, is waking up from a nap and bends his body in an odd squatty position over the carpet.

Maddie: Z... what are you doing?
Ziah: I've gots ta go.
Maddie: Go... go... wait... GO?! *runs over to the dog and starts to push him around the ribcage area* Move, move... you HAVE to do that outside!
Ziah: No, I told you 20 minutes ago with a low grumble that i had to go, and you ignored it. Now i'm bursting, excuse me.
Maddie: Ew, Ziah common... go outside! I have to clean this up!
Ziah: Oh, DO you? In that case, excuse me as I plop out a couple more.
Maddie: AAAAAHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOO

As the story ends, we find Maddie whimpering in the corner with a gas mask, and Ziah... sleeping victoriously under the television... proud of the stone henge he so graciously created on the green shag carpet.

Sitting on Houses

So i'm house sitting for a friend of mine while her family goes to the Bahamas. My duties include feeding the dog and the Beta.
I don't know about any of the other people of the world, but I get incredibly paranoid when I have to house sit. I always feel like there are camera's everywhere and that the family is actually watching me chill in their house. So i never do anything out of the ordinary. I'm pretty paranoid that there are camera's everywhere. Really odd. O_O

Lucia ripped my heart out!

Three words: Lucia di Lammermoor.

Holy geez Donizetti you've done me in!

So this lady, Lucia, is in love with a man named Edgardo. But this love is forbidden (siiigh opera) by her brother because he wants her to marry this rich chap named Arturo. Her mother just died and her brother has been nothing but cruel to her, but... being the noble soprano she is.... she will not let him dictate her love! And so, she and Edgardo get "married" together before God... which apparently is all you need back in those days as proof. (You married? Yes. Do you have proof? God says so. Oh, alright then that's fine).

Edgardo gives Lucia his ring as a symbol of their marriage as he goes off on some sort of business. Lucia's evil little greasy brother discovers what has come to past and yells (sings loudly) at Lucia of her betrayal against her own blood. He then schemes to end this affair. He writes a letter that is supposedly from Edgardo to "one of his many lovers." Lucia -being the innocent dwindling flower Soprano- is convinced and threatens to kill herself. Twenty minutes of threatening to kill herself she finally asks....... "what must I do?" her brother advises her to marry Arturo. But she rejects, but eventually gives in after a few more scales of operatic gold.

At her wedding to Arturo, she signs a wee bit of paper and exclaims... "I have signed my death warrant." By now the audience realizes she's all talk and no action... so they sit back and chill. But WAIT... who is this thundering through the door?! EDGARDO!!! *gasp* He sees what has happened... and begins to accuse Lucia of treachery! He yells (sings VERY loudly) at her, telling her that she has betrayed heaven and love!
Meanwhile, Lucia, is not receiving any of this well. Her brother and her lover are yelling (duetting their hearts out) at her, calling her a whore and what not. She zones out as her brother and Edgardo get in a singing battle of who has the better insults. At the end Lucia is seen going positively INSANE and hitting a high C while she's at it.

The next act opens up with the Minster tumbling down the stairs of Arturo's mansion and telling all of the wedding guests that Lucia has killed her husband, and has gone positively mad. Lucia is seen coming out of the room and down the stairs in a blood soaked dress with a knife in her hand. She has stabbed Arturo to death and has gotten it all over her nice white Versace dress!!! She glides down the stairs singing an eerie aria talking to her beloved Edgardo about their wedding, and how lovely it will be. The wedding guests all shift around and none bother to grab the knife out of the madwomans hand. Lucia starts to have a duet with a flute and while she is distracted (being entrenched in her beautiful Soprano voice) the Minster grabs the knife. AH HA! finally, someone does something! Audience looks displeased with that though, that means no action... and yet, the scene remains haunting.

She is almost done with her aria when her brother comes in and starts shaking her yelling (singing INCREDIBLY loudly) "You stupid wench! Why did you have to go and kill your husband! You and your mad mind have ruined me! The minster finally pulls him off saying "dumbass... look at what you did to her!" Cruel brother "feels remorse." She finishes her aria while getting injected with some kind of relaxant by a doctor who magically shows up out of the party guests... ideal timing. Her brother stands aside bellowing, "ooooh why was i so cruel?!?!" And the minister turns to him and replies, "Yeah... friggin bitch... look what you did!" Lucia gets carried up the stairs.

Meanwhile, Edgardo is still whining to himself saying that he is the last of a cursed family as he mucks about a graveyard. A parade of folks come by and tell him that Lucia is dead and has gone to Heaven. Maybe this is a Protestant thing... but as far as I know, Catholics damn sinners to Hell. Ah.. but they are Italian, maybe the Italian God is more lenient in terms of murder for the sake of beauty! So Edgardo starts freaking out that Lucia is dead and kills himself in the name of heaven and love... but NOT before he sings an aria! Nay! Aria... then death! OR... Aria and death at the same time... oooh yes, excellent idea... no no no... to messy... let's combine the two. RIGHT. So, Edgardo starts to sing about being reunited in heaven with his love.... he stabs himself... then continues to sing until the ghost of Lucia comes and kisses him at the end of his aria and he dies (again, they always appear in ideal timing).




Take a breather.


Here's a link to Joan Sutherland as Lucia. It's the last half of her looong madwoman aria:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Uez2D-E5yE

Disneyworld Auditions part 2- The End.

Dear Madelyn,
We would like to thank you for attending the recent Entertainment audition in your area. Although you were not selected for a role as a Character Performer, you will still be considered for possible participation in the Disney College Program in a different line of business. You will receive your official notification within the next few weeks, and it will provide you with all the information you need.
-The Disneyworld College Program



Ouch. Stinging. Painful. Depressing. Yet a shot of optimism.
Could I be the next Jungle Cruise operator then? I'll have to wait a few weeks to find out I suppose.

Disneyworld Auditions part 1

Greetings,

So in about... 7 hours I shall embark to the last step in my Disneyworld Application process. For those of you who do not know, I am currently auditioning to be a character performer at Disneyworld (Florida). If I get in, I will be there from May of 2009 to January of 2010!!!

I am pretty nervous and excited at the same time. This last audition we will be asked to learn and perform a dance as well as pantomime a scene. Now with the dancing, I'm thinking Disney is testing how much you love Disney. Because a friend of mine went through the audition process and said he had to dance to Highschool Musical. This is Disney in its sadistic form. "WILL YOU DANCE TO HIGHSCHOOL MUSICAL FOR US?!?! HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE DISNEY?!?! ARE YOU WILLING?!"

The pantomime can be a bit tricky. There are two basic scenerios (that I am aware of, not entirely certain).

1) You (as yourself) meet a character. With this, you must interact with the invisible Disney character and portray (with pantomime) who it is you are interacting with.

2) You are acting like a certain Disney character, and must show WHO you are through pantomime while being given a scenerio (i.e. getting food)

I've got my eyes set on meeting the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland, and acting like Sleepy (one of the Seven Dwarves).


Wish me luck!

Russian Deliciousness

A list of my favorite Russian Composers (plus a key piece), you should look into them if you haven't already! :)

1) Mikhail Glinka: Ruslan and Lyudmila Overture

2) Alexander Borodin: Polovtsian Dances (Prince Igor)

3) Cesar Cui: Orientale Op. 50

4) Modest Mussorgsky: Pictures at an Exhibition

5) Pieter Tchaikovsky: Piano Concerto No. 1 (Notably first movement)

6) Nikolai Rimsky Korsakov: Russian Easter Festival Overture

7) Alexander Glazunov: Violin concerto in A minor, Op. 82 Allegro

8) Alexander Scriabin: Etude Op. 8, No. 12

9) Igor Stravinsky: L'Histoire du Soldat

10) Sergei Rachmoninov (who has BIG hands): Piano concerto No. 2

11) Sergei Prokofiev: Montagues and Capulets

12) Aram Khachaturian: Sabre Dance

13) Dmitri Shostakovich (honestly, I don't like a LOT of his work, however... what I do like... I REALLY like): Suite Jazz No. 2 Waltz

Books Books Books

That's right, i'm publishing a lame-ass survey.


1) What author do you own the most books by?
Yikes. It's a three-way tie between Dostoevsky, Dickens, and Forster.

2) What book do you own the most copies of?
Bleak House by Charles Dickens. My mom loves to get me different versions of it because it is my favorite Dickens novel.

3) Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?
Honestly, I did not even think of that until now. But that just shows how much English speakers want to feel special and structure their sentences off of Latin.

4) What fictional character are you secretly in love with?
Ooooh, secret? You see many people know of my blatant love for Marvin from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, it's hard to think of a "secret" love. Um... probably Dr. Zhivago from "Dr. Zhivago" by Boris Pasternak.

5) What book have you read the most times in your life (excluding picture books read to children)
Again... there is a three-way tie. "Bleak House" by Charles Dickens, "The Captive Mind" by Czeslaw Milosz, and
"The Canterbury Tales" by Chaucer.

6) What was your favorite book when you were ten years old.
JRR Tolkiens, The Hobbit. Hands down. I read that and all of the Lord of the Rings when I was 10.

7) What is the worst book you've read in the past year?
"American Chica" by (I can't remember authors name). I had to read it for my LEAP class, and it was painful.

8) What is one of the best book you've read in the past year?
"The Story of Buddhism" by Donald S. Lopez Jr. or Tao Te Ching- Lao Tzu.
Can't say that I read a whole lot of fiction this previous year... but I definitely recommend Lopez for anyone who is interested in Buddhism. He brings the ideals of Buddhism down to the simplest of terms, so it's easier to understand.

9) What is the last book you read, or are currently reading?
I actually just finished this book called "Der Richter unde sein Henker" by Friedrich Duerrenmatt. Hardest thing of my life so far. haha... as you've probably guessed, it's in German... and I had to read it very very slowly. But i'm currently reading "Zen in the art of archery" and another book on Rembrandt for school.

10) If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?
Er... i wouldn't force people... ha, but I would probably recommend The Federalist Papers. It's interesting to see what the "founding fathers" wanted and what we have today.

Scheiße...

I just found out that I share a birthday with Anita Bryant.


Fuck.

First Impressions

So this morning I had a long sit-and-think about the first impressions i got after watching some of my favorite movies. One of the main ones I thought about was the claaaaassic film "Sunset Boulevard." I first saw this about 5 years ago and didn't really watch it... then i saw it again this last year in my film class. I think it made a bigger impression on me because it was on the big screen.

I just remember sitting in my seat watching this absolutely fantastic film and just enjoying myself. But then at the end where Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson) comes walking down the stairs and just gazes hauntingly into the camera... aaaaaaaagh i just about cried. It is so beautifully tragic. Definitely one of the best film-noir's i've ever seen. I walked out of that film simply entranced.

Then I thought of another movie, "Kill Bill vol. 1." In my opinion, one of Quentin Terrantino's BEST films. It had just the right dab of everything. I walked out of that movie wanting to kick ass with a samurai sword. haha

Well, that's all I have to say about that. I'm just going to list off some of my favorite films (in no particular order excluding MANY foreign films):

Marx Brothers Movies
Buster Keaton films
Boy in the Striped Pajama's
Charlie (or Syd) Chaplin Films
Sunset Boulevard
Psycho
Requiem For A Dream
Strangers on a Train
North by Northwest
Annie Hall
Alien
Aliens
Full Metal Jacket
The Graduate
A Clockwork Orange
Gone with the Wind
Memento
The Machinist
Ironweed
Wavelength
Holy Mountain
Fightclub
The Dark Crystal
Sophies Choice
The Muppet Movie
Muppet Christmas Carol
Muppet Treasure Island
2001: A Space Odyssey
Sleeping Beauty
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Alice in Wonderland
Pinocchio
any CLASSIC Disney movie
Foreign Films
60's/70's Horror films
Amadeus
La vie en Rose
Carrie
The Bridges of Madison County
Jean du Florette

And many many MANY more...

What I Learned this Winter of 2009

Some of this'll be crude. But hey, it's a blog... meant to be semi-personal.


- imaginary numbers exist by not existing.

- Rembrandt can be appreciated.

- Buddhism is a lot more "hell fire and damnation" then you'd think.

- 3 month art slumps are not good for mental health.

- Second confirmation that weed and alcohol do not mix.

- It is possible for a father to disregard his "old" family altogether like a faulty science experiment.

- Underground Utah Meth Lab world is insane.

- Re-confirmation on how much i love love love LOVE Opera.

- When your shoes have such big holes in them that they are no longer shoes, it's time to get new shoes.

- Some people can see MORE colors then others. (This has a specific name but it escapes me).

- Stumbleupon is addicting.

- Lucia de Lammermore has one of the BEST "going insane" scenes in operatic history.

- Reading "The Hobbit" in one night is a mindfuck.

- German is even more of a badass language then i thought.

- I still don't know when to use "then" and when to use "than."

- There is some point in a persons life when innocence is thrust from you. As you get older and look in the mirror you see your face all tattered and beaten with age, sun damage, and the world. You wonder how you lost everything.

-To see nothing is to see everything

Me no likey game shows...

This is why I don't watch game shows:


Trivial Pursuit: America Plays was on T.V. today. The story unfolds...

Host: For $5,000... what was the name of the spaceship on the movie, "Alien."

Maddie: Nostromo.

Lady: Um...um... i'm not sure.

Maddie: NOSTROMO... NOOOOOOOOSTROOOOOOOMOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Lady: Um.... Ridley?!

Maddie: MOTHER-@$%^**(*(%*#($*%(@#$*@#$@#$@#%$#^%&%^&$%^#

*shoe flies into the television*


End story.

Opera makes incest FUN!

So I have student season tickets to the Utah Opera and this evening I had the pleasure of going to see Le Nozze di Figaro (by W. A. Mozart).
It is one of Mozart's most acclaimed Operas and one of the funniest out there. Basic story plot: Figaro and Sussana are the servants of a rather frisky Count and a heart broken Countess. The two young lovers are looking to get married, but the Count wants to get in Sussana's skirt. So Figaro, Sussana, and the Countess come up with a plot of revenge to teach the Count a lesson. In the meantime this older lady named Marcellina has the hots for Figaro and she wants to marry him. So she and this guy named Antonio attempt to use an old loan to trick Figaro into marrying this expired broad.

Time comes for the marriage of Figaro and Sussana. Marcellina comes in and breaks the whole thing up claiming that Figaro owes her one hell of a loan, and if he cannot pay... then they must wed. Figaro, being a poor servant, cannot pay. In a short paraphrased dialogue, the following conversation occurs:

Figaro: Hellz no. I'm not marrying this hag!

Count: well you can't marry Sussana because I want to do her, I mean... you don't even know your parents!

Figaro: Oh common, that's a low blow. I've been looking for them for years! I know i'm from some rich cats, i've still got some stuff that proves my noble heritage!

Marcellina: What's this?

Figaro: Yeah, I was kidnapped.

Marcellina & Antonio: Kidnapped?! *exchange glances*

Figaro: Yes, from outside a castle. And i'm just going to randomly insert a fact about a birthmark i have on my arm!

Marcellina: Your RIGHT arm?!

Figaro: Why yes, how'd you know that?!

Marcellina: Oh my god it's Raphaellio!!!

Antonio & Figaro: Raphaellio?!

Marcellina: Figaro... I am your mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *gasps spread through the company while roars of laughter come from the audience*

Figaro: Mother! *they embrace as Antonio tries to slip away*

Marcellina: And this is your father, Antonio! Look Antonio, the fruits of our one night stand!

Antonio: Shit.

Figaro: Daddy!!!!!!! *awkward handshake/embrace*


And everyone forgets that Marcellina was in love with her own son for who knows how long. And everyone is happy-go-lucky while the Count gets screwed over by the end of Act IV. It is beautiful. *butterflies fluffy cloads rainbows*

Utah Uni

At present I have found myself to be in an "educational slump." What I mean, is simply that I am in no mood to receive or retain an education at present. And yet... the little lederhosen-wearing leprechaun in the back of my head reminds me that I really do. So, what do you do when your mind is having a battle for Middle Earth of its own and the bad side is winning? You blog of course!

And so... I find myself here after invoking a facebook ban until I get back into the groove of things. Lately I have been slipping into spats of laziness (which consist of me not doing homework or readings... etc). This usually happens for one or two classes that I really do not care about like my LEAP class and Math... but this time I have been doing it for every single class. INCLUDING the ones I love the most (i.e. German, Buddhist Art, Baroque Art). So what will be the result of this ridiculous state of mind?

On the other side of things, I got my Buddhist Art midterm back today. I got a B+ and I am PISSED...OFF. I hate anything that is not an "A." I don't care if it's pretty good considering it's my first upper division midterm... I wants me an A! ha ha ha. I had done everything perfectly. The slide I.D.'s: perfect. Vocabulary: perfect. Compare/Contrast essay: perfect. The Four Truths Segment: perfect. The essay at the end: didn't have enough information. Godddammmnniit. I am not a fan. Ah well, I will just have to kick the trash out of the next one.

Peace.

Words of Encouragement

So I am in this Northern Baroque class that has an emphasis on the work of Rembrandt and we had to find some aspect of Dutch art and apply it to three works by Rembrandt that all focused in on a 5-10 year period. We had to formulate our ideas into either an abstract or an outline. I chose to do an abstract seeing as how i had only used outlines in the past (even then a couple times)... and I am not that big of a fan of how they are structured. So i fill out this abstract with great difficulty because I like inserting the classic "art history bullshit" with all the flowy adjectives and what not. I go to the class and I strike up a conversation with this other girl who i've talked to a couple times before. The conversation goes as follows, starting with me:

"I never really like doing these kinds of things, I like the bullshit."

"Have you ever had Muller (the professor) before?"

"No, I haven't."

"Oh well this is all you do."

"Writing abstracts?"

"Yup."

"Oh... well damn."

"Yeah, I hope you do better on your first abstract than I did. It was the worst grade i'd ever gotten, I almost cried."

"Um... yeah, thanks."

And I walk away.
I'd like to thank that snippy little blonde for her words of encouragement. Thank you.

Bad Day (Schlechter Tag)

How a generally good day... turned into a bad day in the course of one hour.


From 4:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. I discovered that two of my friends have cancer and that my "loving" father who was court ordered to take care of my insurance, let my health insurance and dental lapse so he could send his two step sons to fucking mormon camp.

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hookah

So my roommate and I are thinking of investing in a mini-hookah. Normally someone would want one that is over a foot tall, but those average out to $150.00 that neither of us have. So we are thinking of getting a small $50.00 one that we can just smoke in our bathroom with the fan on or something. We both discovered that we slept the BEST after smoking a bowl of hookah. Since we both have insomnia, this hookah thing is cheaper then actually going out and buying medication that may or may not make you sick.

Hookah can get you sick, but that's after a lot of it (just like anything). I tend to have very blissful nights after smoking hookah. I get to sleep fast... I stay asleep... and wake up feeling like I had just hibernated for a good few months. Methinks a good dosage of this sleeping pill alternative about once every week will set me nice and easy no?
Ah... yes yes... ich liebe es.

A Surreal Life Moment...

So earlier today I was thinking about one of the coolest things i'd ever done, and I decided i'm going to share it with you because I like telling the story so much:

August 1, 2008 6:00 p.m.

I am on my way to a friends birthday party when my friend Bryan calls me.
"You want to go to Disneyland?"
"YES!!!"
"Okay, we're leaving tonight. See you at the party!"
"Wait, wha-" click.


3 hours later I found myself in a car with my friends Bryan, Cindy, and Megan bound for Disneyland on I-50 S. The reality of what was going on did not necessarily click. We stopped in St. George where I started driving. I drove from St. George to the Buffalo Bills rest stop a few miles outside of L.A. I remember having this insane battle from 1- 3 a.m. with this Minivan. We would pass each other at reckless speeds as we cruised along in the middle of NO WHERE Arizona/Nevada. I remember it was a man driving and his kids were watching "Finding Nemo." He started getting dirty by keeping his brights on as he passed me... so i returned the favor.

We reached Las Vegas and he got into the far right lane to exit. I looked over and he turned the inside car light on and waved a "goodbye and thanks for the entertainment" wave, and I did the same back. We reached Buffalo Bills at 4 a.m. And I switched to the front seat as Bryan got in the drivers seat, he was the only one that wanted to drive through L.A. We got off on Exit 3 for Ball Rd. and drove towards Harbor Blvd. We reached the "moment of extreme anticipation." This "moment" is at the top of a we little hill, and just when you're at the top you can see the Matterhorn Mt. Rollercoaster. Screams broke out from the car as Bryan stepped on the gas. I was just WAITING for a cop to pull us over for speeding... would be all too typical.

We parked in the Pinocchio section of the Disneyland parking lot. There, we got dressed, brushed our teeth, and surveyed our situation. Reality had not sunken in just quite yet. We took the precious lil tram over to the Disneyland gates. We got our (then $60) tickets for just Disneyland and not California Adventures and waited in line until the park opened at 8 a.m. The park opened and we clawed our way through the gates and skipped down main street. We then ran over to "Space Mountain." It was when we got off that we all just sat there... wind blown........ we were in DISNEYLAND. Probably the oddest sensation i've ever had. I actually DID something spontaneous.

Later that day I called my mom and decided to tell her where I was. You see, none of our parents knew we'd gone and it was quite the deal then because we were JUST out of high school. So I call my mom and the conversation goes as follows:

"Hey Mads, what's up?"
"Oh.... nothing....." Snicker Snicker
"What're you up to?"
"Oh.... nothing in particular... just, waiting in line for the Snow White ride."
"What?"
"I'm in Disneyland!"
"No you aren't..."
"Yeah I am!!! Bryan, Cindy, Megan, and I drove here overnight."
"Oh my god you guys are crazy........ have fun.... I HATE YOU! haha"


We proceeded to have a fun filled day of overpriced chocolate muffins, rollercoasters, Disney magic, and pure joy. We had reached nirvana without DYING. haha. We left Disneyland around 1 a.m. and slept at some crappy motel until noon the next day and drove home.


Disneyland in a weekend.

Full to the brim with awesomeness.

East side Po Po

The police department of Salt Lake City's east side is BORED. They have to be. Instead of trying to crack down on the underground meth society of Salt Lake, they decide to just bust parties. 

Here is the story:

Last night I went to my friends house (the apostles) for a triple kegger they were hosting. There were quite a few people there already at 8:30 and by 10:30 the house was completely packed. Then, by 12:30 the house was full ready to explode. And what do you know, it did. I was standing in the upstairs area when all of the sudden this huge fight broke out for no reason but human drunkeness. Nobody really knows. There was just a lot of kicking, punching, and blood flying all over the place. It got on my arm, face, pants, and sweatshirt. Preeeeeettty gross. So then the fight broke up and everyone calmed down... then it started again and got taken out to the front lawn.

That's when the neighbors called the po po. 

Then the police show up and I walk out the front door. Because if you start running to the back/side door and jumping windows while spazzing out, they are going to take notice. So I act all chill and I start walking out of the front door and a policeman points his flashlight in my face and says, "Are you the owner of this house?"

"No."

"What happened?"

"Just some idiots trying to prove their masculinity." and I kept walking until I got to my car on the other side of the street. I sat outside of it trying to get ahold of my friends who were hiding in the basement somewhere. So I look at the other side of the street and this kid, who was at the party, goes walking up and the cop gets right in his face and the kid says, "Hey man... what happened?"

"I'M A COP YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT HUH?!?! HUH?!?!"

"Oh whoa, no man..."

"I'M A COP YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME? HUH PUNK? IS THAT IT?!" 

"No no... "

"Time to get home, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" 

Then the angry and stereotypical cop looked at me and yelled, "GET THE FUCK IN YOUR CAR!"

And I did. haha. And that is where my episode with the po po ended that evening, but my friends had some more tales about the asshole cops. Those are so explicit, that they shall not be shared on the internets. :)

Farewell! 

Sometimes life hates you

You know when the cosmos is telling you that you shouldn't live today and you do anyway?

This is my tale of a realistic series of rather unfortunate past-life karma induced events:

I am walking down to the Utah Museum of Fine Arts to do a review on an art gallery when I decide to cut across the main concrete path and walk down this wee little hill that's covered in grass and mud. I'm walking down, things are going great when I slip and fall on my ass with my arms swinging around all over the place like a loon. And where did I fall? Or rather, into WHAT did I fall? Into a big awesome section of muddy sludge. So, with mud on my pants and determination for a good grade in my head I continue on my way (now on the concrete path) laughing about my greatness. Just when I was internally giggling about my glorious display in the mud, my ankle rolls and I face plant into the snow while scraping my left knee on the concrete. All that ran through my head was... woooooooooow.

After my UMFA adventures I was walking up to the Union building to catch the shuttle ride up to the dorms when I puked. Full on. In a bush. Awesome I tell you. Awesome. Now I think I have the flu because my stomach is still a bit queezed. So I get on a shuttle to discover that there is a "shuttle driving trainee" manning the bus. I spent the whole ride falling over people while people fell on me as we swung about clinging for dear life. The suffering from the new drivers' wrath did not help the stomach situation. I tried to suppress the spreading of my possible flu, but it was kind of hard seeing as how the contents of the bus resembled a big mass of tangled bodies...... probably because it was. 

Sometimes, the cosmos is out to get you. Today... bad karma day. What the hell did I do in a past life to deserve this chain reaction?

Banned Books

I found a website that has a list of the most banned books ever and the reasons as to why... it is really........... funny. I love how OFFENSIVE "The Diary of Anne Frank" is.  :)

Enjoy:

title.forbiddenlibrary.com

Porn Industry Wants a Bailout Too! :)

Well let's not forget that everyone has been thrown off of their usual course due to the economy. Many people have to make great sacrifices... for example: canceling or limiting subscriptions to Hustler and limiting Pornflix hits. You would think that because of the economy, the porn industry would have a substantial growth in its business, however it has gone to a negative turn! Or, at least, according to the attached link. 

Yes ladies and gentlemen, the porn industries are asking for a 5 billion dollar bailout. Seeing as how they are a beneficial part of American society, it seems only fit that their demands be met. Come on guys... let's stop the online porn-pirating and ease back to the classique magazines eh?

Let's help an American business in need. 

The Godhead and Disciples of Cinema

And so, after much deliberation, I have narrowed my choices for my favorite LIVING female actresses to three. These three, I shall dub my Female Godhead of the Living Cinema. They are as follows (in no particular order):

1) Meryl Streep

2) Bernadette Peters

3) Emma Thompson

But what would a Godhead do without Disciples? Sure these disciples do not necessarily expound the gospel of the Godhead, but what religion REALLY sticks to what is written anyway right?

The Four Disciples:

-Sigourney Weaver: this honor has been bestowed upon you due to your diligence as you sliced through Yale at the same time as Meryl Streep, your valiant demeanor as you torched and blew up aliens and was a key participant in the biggest bitch fight in Cinematic history in the marvelous movie of "Aliens." And for your supreme bitchiness in the movies "Holes" and "The Working Girl." And you also get a bravery award. This award comes with the mere knowledge that you and Rick Moranis got it on in "Ghostbusters." Congratulations gate-keeper. 

-Gillian Anderson: you have been chosen as a disciple because of your excellence as Agent Scully in the X-Files series. You endured at least 6 or so years of Sci Fi television, and for that you are commended. You are also singled out to be great in the majestic role of Lady Dedlock in the mini-series of awesome "Bleak House." 

-Dame Julie Andrews: you are blessed with the rare gift of awesome. Such an awesome that can be taken in both the literal and slang terminology. You have been loved from My Fair Lady through your rebellious anti-Mary Poppins phase where you revealed your "dirty pillows" to the camera and now to your Disney empire. Ich liebe dich meine freunde. 

-Carol Burnett: How can words describe the adoration that is held for this comedian. Many children have been raised underneath her........ child-appropriate skits... *cough cough* and have molded the young minds of such crazed people like the humble creator of this post. 

May these women continue to be blessed with the power of AWESOME.

Amen.